Still Crazy After all These Months

Hello friends, I hope this email finds everyone happy and healthy!

So …  I have been back in NYC for a few weeks now. I moved into my new apartment in Long Island City, Queens. I dig it. My room is small, but the place is big, overall, and it’s very close to Manhattan. I’m lucky to be one block away from the E, F, and 7 trains, which get me to Midtown Manhattan quicker than if I were living on the Upper West Side. Best of all, it’s cheap, and I’m living with a good friend of mine.

The shock of an unstructured life after camp has sort of left me with a lack of direction. Camp provided me with something to do every minute of the day. Now, I am on my own and somewhat at a loss. I am very hesitant to look for a full time job, because I know that will lead me down the road towards a rut sooner or later, and that would put me exactly where I was before I left NYC at the beginning of this year.

But when I left, I set out to “find myself”, and my purpose, hopefully to come upon the great answer that would bring meaning to my existence. After traveling through 12 countries and 50 cities, meeting hundreds of people, and seeing the most incredible things I have ever seen, and after going to camp and working with great kids and having one of the most intense and rewarding experiences ever….I still don’t know what I want. All I have discovered is that life is very short and there isn’t time to waste.

I could have learned that from a Beatles song had I been listening, but I guess experience is our greatest teacher. I came back with a burning desire to be happy with whatever I am doing in the here and now, because that is all I have. If I am always happy here and now, I will be happy 20 years from now, because that is just the future here and now. But with the pressures of society, friends, parents, and my bank account, I am pondering whether or not to re-enter the corporate world…find some comfortable computer job for $65,000 a year, or should I take more risks for happiness when I am not even sure what will bring that to me. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi….help me!

Well, I am sure all this confusion will eventually give way to a clearer path, or maybe it won’t, and I will just have to pick something. I guess I just don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to sell my life for a salary and wait for the weekends and my precious two weeks off a year. I don’t want to run the rat race and face the ruthless world of work…but we all have to work, including me…we all have to make money if we want to survive….so what shall I do?

Someone suggested I be a teacher…maybe…but then I would make very little money.  SO what do I want? Money or happiness? Why can’t I have both? Why is it so hard to find? AM I the only one who feels this way? Sometimes I think everyone else understands something that I am missing….could it be true? Or could it be that you are all just as confused as me?